Exercise: “Past Shame”

What you will get out of this

Imagine your psyche as having doors to multiple spaces, each containing valuable core values of yours that you can uncover and explore via introspection. Past shame that you’re avoiding appears as an obscure and frightening mass that blocks some of these doors.

This exercise helps us to identify our past shame and understand how it continue to get in our way.

An example of this exercise at work

Step 1: Identifying Moments of Shame

Reflect on the past month and note down at least three instances when you experienced shame or questioned your self-worth. These could be connected to your career, personal life, or even fleeting moments in public spaces. Be as precise as possible.

(e.g., I felt too skinny/large/short/tall when I went to a party last weekend…, I felt powerless to contribute anything useful or novel at the last team brainstorm session at work…, I felt like a massive disappointment to my family when I brought up my desire to quit my prestigious but unfulfilling job…, I felt incapable of supporting my significant other when they suffered with postpartum depression…).

Step 2: Into the Heart of Shame

Choose one of these instances and dive into its details. You don't need to write a novel, just capture the key elements that you remember - the environment, people's reactions, your feelings, the response (or lack thereof) of loved ones when you shared your experience.

Step 3: The Mirror of Shame

Articulate the inner belief that this situation sparked or intensified within you. Frame it in a single sentence like, "I'm ashamed because I am _____." or "Avoiding being ______ is important because it's shameful." These beliefs form the foundation of your core negative perceptions.

Step 4: The Shadow of Shame

If this belief of shame still haunts you today, how does it impact your life decisions? This shame-infused belief may still hold power if it triggered feelings of shame recently. Ponder on other instances when this belief influenced you and summarize in a couple of sentences how it generally sways your life choices. Identifying and addressing these deep-seated injuries to your self-image is crucial, as they can hinder your growth if left unchecked.

Step 5: Shining Light on Other Shadows

Repeat steps 2-4 for the other instances of shame that you've identified. Unearthing additional hurts to your self-image can aid your healing process. Remember, you can only address what you've uncovered, so take your time with this exercise.

Step 2: Recall one of the shameful situations in detail.

Step 3: What self-image made you feel ashamed in that situation?

Step 4: If this shameful self-image is still with you today, in what ways does it impact your life decisions?